Tag Archives: life or something like it

…Emotions

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I feel really sad. Right now i want to cry, and it’s not because everything is going wrong, or that i can’t write, or work sucked – none of those things are true. I’m sad because I think i just fell out of love with my very first love.

I think I just realized I was in love with someone who never existed in this person. I feel like I’ve been in love with a fairy tale – or worse, just some figment of my imagination.

It all started with a dream last night. And ended with an old photograph. Long story short…hammer on a glass egg.

It’s hard to feel this way. It’s hard especially since he won’t understand. It’s hard because he won’t care – because I won’t tell him. It will just end.

Maybe i was just in love with the idea of being in love? That makes me angry – at myself. But is that such a bad thing? Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is never arrogant, and does not find fault with malice…it goes something like that…Is it wrong to want a lil more love and patience, kindness, humbleness, and acceptance in our lives?

No. It’s not.

But I don’t wanna be just another person in love with L.O.V.E. 

Sigh. Maybe I’m just full of estrogen. That would make me feel better…;) lol…hey, it already did…

But seriously…any thoughts? Overall, i would like to know what love really feels like before I die. Not so that I can kiss, have marriage, have sex (not that they HAVE to be in that order – i’m only human…), and have kids…but because love is the ultimate state of living. At least, that’s what I think it is. The bible says that God is Love. And there’s a saying that cleanliness is next to Godliness…so if we scrub behind our ears, shouldn’t we want to love? I wanna be as close to a goddess as I can! Hahaha…I know, such deep thoughts riddled with such ridiculousness…It’s a part of my sarcasm aka. recovery process, and is probably rather warped. But I don’t care, idc, I’m feeling the mood and just letting it come out of my fingertips…

moment of thought that can’t be written. wow.

Ok, ok. Fingertips shutting up in 5,4,3,2,1…

Work was actually good. Life is good. I just feel like I’m mourning something that never really was. :( I’ll sort it out, or I’ll just pull a Scarlett and figure it out after I finish my fafsa, essays, and committee applications :) Yep. “Tomorrow is another day!” = priceless. 

With hope… :)

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Chapter 2…Well, 1 Technically

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So I just posted chapter 2 – or 1 – of  Mademoiselle Butterfly! Needless to say I am very happy. Perhaps not totally pleased with the writing but hey, I have a direction and editting will come later.

So, let me talk about something else real quick…I just finished W. Somerset Maugham’s The Painted Veil, having the loved the movie I had to read the book. I love them both individually. Such a beautiful, and beautifully written work. It made me laugh and cry, and really think. Which is what books are supposed to do. So, yeah, definitely go and read that one if you’re looking for something that has real, flawed, and complex characters – and you’re not too concerned about happy endings.

One of my favorite quotes is “Happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.” And oddly enough, that comes from a really ‘interesting’ movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah, lol. I find inspiration in the oddest places. Anyway, The Painted Veil really explores the different kinds of love and how a person can change, slowly and painfully, but still change, and how life is beautiful, even in all its ugliness. Really good book.

There is no work today, mixed feelings about that, I have high demands for my paycheck, but I’ve scheduled a college tour and am working on apps. Makes me want to bite my nails just thinking about it. So, to preserve my two week ago manicure – paycheck has demands, remember that – let me just keep typing…LOL.

I will be posting some character pics her for Mademoiselle Butterfly as soon as I can find some really good pics. I will tell you that Katherine’s father is played by Geoffrey Palmer – in my head, in yours you may cast as you wish – and that Eric’s mother is Judi Dench, always has been the Great Dame. I can actually hear her talking to Eric – it freaks me out sometimes. How bout ya’ll?

Now, I won’t say anything about irritating people who claim to do ‘all’ the work – though that is physically impossible, and I will not talk about boys wanting to become men and boys starting discussions on friend’s FB pages and then going “Hey, I don’t think this is fair to ash and we really shouldn’t turn her page into a debate…” Whatever Mr. Lush. I’ll just ignore them and use them to inspire characters and protaganists…See, I didn’t say anything ;) (Think Chaucer in A Knight’s Tale: “I will viscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw, will be remembered for eternity.” Something like that anyway)

Wow, I just wrote a nice long, very jumpy, scatterbrained blog post. Welcome to the mind of me! LOL.

My apologies sane ones. Much love to you darlings!

– Aranel

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PS. “Fefe always said, ‘never lose your childish innocence, it’s the most important thing’.” -Under the Tuscan Sun