I feel really sad. Right now i want to cry, and it’s not because everything is going wrong, or that i can’t write, or work sucked – none of those things are true. I’m sad because I think i just fell out of love with my very first love.
I think I just realized I was in love with someone who never existed in this person. I feel like I’ve been in love with a fairy tale – or worse, just some figment of my imagination.
It all started with a dream last night. And ended with an old photograph. Long story short…hammer on a glass egg.
It’s hard to feel this way. It’s hard especially since he won’t understand. It’s hard because he won’t care – because I won’t tell him. It will just end.
Maybe i was just in love with the idea of being in love? That makes me angry – at myself. But is that such a bad thing? Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is never arrogant, and does not find fault with malice…it goes something like that…Is it wrong to want a lil more love and patience, kindness, humbleness, and acceptance in our lives?
No. It’s not.
But I don’t wanna be just another person in love with L.O.V.E.
Sigh. Maybe I’m just full of estrogen. That would make me feel better…;) lol…hey, it already did…
But seriously…any thoughts? Overall, i would like to know what love really feels like before I die. Not so that I can kiss, have marriage, have sex (not that they HAVE to be in that order – i’m only human…), and have kids…but because love is the ultimate state of living. At least, that’s what I think it is. The bible says that God is Love. And there’s a saying that cleanliness is next to Godliness…so if we scrub behind our ears, shouldn’t we want to love? I wanna be as close to a goddess as I can! Hahaha…I know, such deep thoughts riddled with such ridiculousness…It’s a part of my sarcasm aka. recovery process, and is probably rather warped. But I don’t care, idc, I’m feeling the mood and just letting it come out of my fingertips…
moment of thought that can’t be written. wow.
Ok, ok. Fingertips shutting up in 5,4,3,2,1…
Work was actually good. Life is good. I just feel like I’m mourning something that never really was. :( I’ll sort it out, or I’ll just pull a Scarlett and figure it out after I finish my fafsa, essays, and committee applications :) Yep. “Tomorrow is another day!” = priceless.
With hope… :)
Aranel du Lac 