I feel really sad. Right now i want to cry, and it’s not because everything is going wrong, or that i can’t write, or work sucked – none of those things are true. I’m sad because I think i just fell out of love with my very first love.

I think I just realized I was in love with someone who never existed in this person. I feel like I’ve been in love with a fairy tale – or worse, just some figment of my imagination.

It all started with a dream last night. And ended with an old photograph. Long story short…hammer on a glass egg.

It’s hard to feel this way. It’s hard especially since he won’t understand. It’s hard because he won’t care – because I won’t tell him. It will just end.

Maybe i was just in love with the idea of being in love? That makes me angry – at myself. But is that such a bad thing? Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is never arrogant, and does not find fault with malice…it goes something like that…Is it wrong to want a lil more love and patience, kindness, humbleness, and acceptance in our lives?

No. It’s not.

But I don’t wanna be just another person in love with L.O.V.E. 

Sigh. Maybe I’m just full of estrogen. That would make me feel better…;) lol…hey, it already did…

But seriously…any thoughts? Overall, i would like to know what love really feels like before I die. Not so that I can kiss, have marriage, have sex (not that they HAVE to be in that order – i’m only human…), and have kids…but because love is the ultimate state of living. At least, that’s what I think it is. The bible says that God is Love. And there’s a saying that cleanliness is next to Godliness…so if we scrub behind our ears, shouldn’t we want to love? I wanna be as close to a goddess as I can! Hahaha…I know, such deep thoughts riddled with such ridiculousness…It’s a part of my sarcasm aka. recovery process, and is probably rather warped. But I don’t care, idc, I’m feeling the mood and just letting it come out of my fingertips…

moment of thought that can’t be written. wow.

Ok, ok. Fingertips shutting up in 5,4,3,2,1…

Work was actually good. Life is good. I just feel like I’m mourning something that never really was. :( I’ll sort it out, or I’ll just pull a Scarlett and figure it out after I finish my fafsa, essays, and committee applications :) Yep. “Tomorrow is another day!” = priceless. 

With hope… :)

Blind touch


6 responses »

  1. What a very deep post. Made me think for a good five minutes. You wrote that you wanted to know how it feels like to be in love. I feel the same. During my twenty years of living, I have not once been in love with a guy before–infatuated, but not in love. I have such a complicated ideology of what love is, that what others would have called my feelings for this one guy four years ago to be first love–i call a great infatuation.

    Over the months, though, as I was working on TRC, I observed those around me who were in love, mainly adults. I questioned (interrogated) a few, and all there answers were similar: Love is a decision. Once the whole romance and passion wears away with time in a relationship, many choose to move on to another person, wanting emotional satisfaction from a new source–but to be in love means that you decide to remain with that person, through thick and thin. For example, this one lady I know has been dating a guy for eight years, she loves him, but there are times when she wants to move onto someone else, or when she wants to say harmful words against him–but she fights against this natural urge. Love, I believe, is to overcome our own sinful nature. Like you said. God is love. And cleanliness is next to Godliness.

    But seriously, for someone like me who has never been in love before, I could be totally wrong.

    • Thanks for seriously replying. I will think about all of what you said – I already know I agree with you…but it still bears reflection. I need to make a choice you know, but that’s hard to do. Let go or hold on. I guess I need to pray. Hope that doesn’t sound religious, i more kinda talk to God….anyway. What I’m trying to say is thank you, sincerely. your words mean a lot to me, and it’s nice to know someone else get’s it :)

      As a side note, i’m really impressed by how much research you do for your novel, shows how important it is to you. Good luck on writing and finding the one :)) How cheesy does that sound, huh? oh well, cheese is cheese, but heartfelt :)

      • It’s not really research for my novel–but interest in love, and thus my probing into the lives of others, that is what is shaping my novel. I truly believe that the greatest love story is the love reflected in the bible. So you’ll find all your answers there and in your prayer.

  2. AND it’s when you’re feeling like this, all emotional, that I believe it is CRUCIAL for you to write and squeeze all your feelings onto paper. You might need it for your writing one day.

    • I agree, the bible holds the greatest love story – a steep one to read but still great :-)) And yeah. It’s funny how writing teaches the writer how to feel, and helps them to cope with emotion. Funny haha, not funny queer :-P

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